RavenBlog |
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Comments on Sunday 23 November 2003: |
Since Nescafé were nice enough to send me free coffee samples, I shall review their coffees. Starting with the packaging - the samples arrived in a nasty white cardboard box with a "The Nescafé Collection" logo which was presumably designed to look a bit 'old world', being gold, red and brown against white. It's fairly nasty, and also "sealed for authenticity", implying that if they didn't seal it then their rivals would capture the boxes in transit and replace the coffee inside with some other brand of coffee, or even tea. Inside the nasty white box, however, were three rather attractive black screw-cap test-tubes, numbered one to three. A key on the inside of the box, in the form of jar pictures with the same numbers and colours as the tubes, as well as the tubes themselves, informed me that these were "1. Kenjara - silky, delicate, lively", "2. Cap Colombie - smooth, aromatic, velvety" and "3. Alta Rica - deep, bold, vibrant". Unfortunately, the test tubes aren't actually full of coffee granules, but rather each contains two skinny little sachets of coffee granules. Not even well-designed easy-to-open sachets, but rather, sachets that require either scissors or violent gnashing teeth to open. And just six cups of coffee - hardly worth getting, even free, unless they were supplied with a handy servant to make the coffee and bring it to you at your computer. Which they weren't. On to the coffees themselves. 1. Kenjara - this one is supposed to be 'silky, delicate and lively'. For the uninitiated, this means "really weak". It's silky in that it tastes like a piece of silk fabric, perhaps. Delicate is fairly self-explanatory. I have no idea what their basis for claiming 'lively' might be. It's certainly not a typo of 'lovely', since this coffee is not. Imagine, if you will, a person drinking a really nice cup of coffee. Now imagine that ten minutes after they finish drinking their nice cup of coffee, someone brings them a cup of boiling water. They spit in the water. That water with coffee-drinker spit in it is approximately the same as a cup of Kenjara. 2. Cap Colombie - this one is supposed to be smooth, aromatic and velvety. Actually, I can't knock this one - as instant coffee goes it's pretty good. Smooth and aromatic are fair descriptions, and for bonus points it actually doesn't taste like velvet, nor leave crumbling fluff in your mouth like a piece of velvet would. I'd rather have proper percolated, machined or pressed coffee, enough so that I'd make the greater effort to have it rather than instant, but for the portable convenience of an instant, I'd choose this over most plain coffees. On the other hand, I'd rather have a vanilla-tainted instant coffee anyway. It's almost a shame I like this one, since it means I don't get to say "Cap Colombie? Crap Columbie, more like!" Except just then. 3. Alta Rica - this one's supposed to be deep, bold and vibrant. Deep in the Lovecraftian sense of "Deep One", it tastes as I imagine it would taste if one set fire to an amphibian, let it burn itself out, and then put it through a blender. Bold is a special code word for "drink it while it's still boiling so you don't have to taste it". I have a theory about the existence of this coffee - I think what Nescafe do is roast large masses of beans, then run all the beans along a conveyor belt. There, robots sort the beans into "somehow not actually cooked at all", used for Kenjara, "nicely roasted", used for Cap Columbie, and "entirely carbonised", used for Alta Rica. Rather than buying a jar of Alta Rica, simply burn a phone book, and sprinkle the ashes into a cup of hot water. Add some frog urine for the vaunted authenticity. [04:18] |
Digi |
Is the freeness still valid? If so may we have the URL? |
RavenBlack |
I think it was Australia only, and probably expired by now, since they sent it ages ago (I only just got around to trying number three, but they've been here for a month). |
Miche |
It wasn't Australia only, we got it in NZ too. We only got one little sachet of each flavour, and rather than being in an "authentic" box they were in a little envelope thing. i gotta say that I agree with you about all the evaluations, though, especially the Alta Rica. (Not that I've ever drunk burnt amphibians, you understand.) |
Qwertyphobia |
"three rather attractive black screw-cap test-tubes, numbered one to three" - Not numbered one two three then? |
RavenBlack |
No, not numbered one two three. That would look like a hundred and twenty three. They might have been labelled one, two and three respectively, though. |
Qwertyphobia |
Might have been? What's the big secret? |
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