|We recently saw The Matrix II: His Name Is Neo And He Dances In The Sand.
I think it was a Saturday night 9pm sci-fi channel showing, but I'm not sure, we might have gone to the cinema. Qualitatively, anyway, I'll be
assuming it was released direct to TV like a sci-fi channel extravaganza such as
or Virtual Nightmare.
I'm going to do this review starting at the end and working backwards, because it will make more sense that way, since the movie actually does
open with a scene from the end. So, the last thing that happens is some very dramatic music and a close-up of the Matrix equivalent of the
Riddler, then a voice-over intones "will Neo escape from his evil clutches? Tune in next movie, same Matrix-time, same Matrix-channel."
Just before that, it's revealed that, just like in the Powerade advertisement, the real world is also the Matrix, and their ship's rastafarian pilot is
iron like a lion in Zion. At this point someone tells us that Neo's name is Neo, in case we missed that from the title and from earlier
in the movie.
The reason the movie is playing out backwards is revealed at this point, with Neo flying really fast around the world so as to travel back
in time to stop the Matrix before it was even built - just like in Superman 3 and Terminator. Except it wasn't Neo those times, it was
Superman. Possibly in the Matrix, too, actually, since Neo is revealed to be Superman at the beginning, which I'll get to later.
Trinity dies! Then she gets better. Then she dies again! Then she gets better again. Then we get to see her bottom naked. Though I'm not
sure if that was while she was dead or not, so it might be a bit necrophiliac. Or it might have been Neo's bottom, it was somewhat confusing
with Trinity being more masculine than Neo.
We get introduced to The Great Architect, which is the Masonic God, who sees and knows all, but can't do anything about it because his beard
is in the way. He compliments Neo on his coat.
There's a sex scene, which is composed of a metaphor through tribal dance. A metaphor which is accentuated by accompanying it with actual
sex, and porn music. Many people are dancing; mostly it's the horizontal hokey-pokey, but in magical Matrix world it's done in slow motion
and vertically. What a twist that is.
Trinity uses SSH, so the hacking is especially realistic. Most notably, the standard unix command "disable nodes 27 to 59" is demonstrated.
For those not familiar with Unix, this command shuts down power grids, after you've logged in as root by guessing that the password is 'god'.
Also, Neo's name is Neo, and during this scene he dances in the sand again.
There are cars and motorbikes, which is great for the mechanics in the audience, who get to see extensive engine details and realistic
car physics throughout. Some more rastafarians are involved with the cars; this time they are white, so as to avoid the movie's original
racist connotation that white people can't be real rastafarians, and must have oozing pustulent sex while the rastafarians dance.
Neo dances with Elrond! Lots of Elrond! "Hello, Mr Anderson. I am Elrond." "So am I." "Me too." "I'm not! Oh, wait, I am."
The Oracle reveals herself to actually be Tron, from the movie Tron,
though she does it in a sidelong manner that Neo doesn't recognise. He's too busy planning dance moves for his next elven dance festival.
Trinity dies again! But this time it's just a dream. But it's real! But that's just a dream too. And it's not even a real dream, it's a
Matrix dream. And it's not even a real Matrix dream, it's a Matrix dream in a movie about the Matrix - that wasn't even on TV at the time!
And thus we reach the beginning of the movie, about seven minutes before the end (excepting slow motion). What a fantastic reverse
thrill-ride that was. At this point the theatre staff check your ID to make sure you're old enough that your senses are sufficiently
degraded, so that you won't realise how drab is the movie you're about to endure. I didn't think it was possible for a movie to have
so many explosions, kickings and gunfights without being entertaining.
Not that "The Matrix II: Digital Ejaculate" wasn't entertaining - it just entertained in a manner quite different from the intended.
A manner reminiscent of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of The CGI Fruit.
Unlike CGI Fruit, The Matrix II: More Green Flowing Text Than You Can Possibly Imagine wasn't painful enough to stop me from watching
the third one when it comes out, for snide review purposes.
So look forward to a future review of The Matrix III: Neo Discovers That He Is Flynn And Assimilates Elrond The Master Control Program.
Oh yes, this post contained spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie, pretend you didn't read it. Or don't see the movie. [00:10] [24 comments]