|Movies again. Today, for your culinary enjoyment, I comment upon Big Fish and Returner.|
Big Fish is very very boring. It takes pretty much the entire first half hour to even get started, such that we almost gave up on it; we would have if it had been no effort to replace it with something else. It gets a little better after that half hour, but still, it remains painfully slow - there's 125 minutes of it, about 75 of which are sustainable, and fewer than five of which are actually entertaining. There were no more than four or five scenes that amused, each of which was shorter than 60 seconds. Then there was lots and lots of stuff that was probably heartwarming or something. Unfortunately, we keep our hearts in our chests, where they can't see the screen or feel its radiation, so trying to be heartwarming doesn't make a movie better.
Luckily for Tim Burton, having the line "directed by Tim Burton" in the advertising makes any movie, no matter how shit, utterly fantastic and everyone will love it. Rush out and see it now! IMDB people rate it 8.1 out of 10, and it's nothing to do with hype or Tim Burton's name being cited thirteen times in the trailer! And none of them, in their comments, say anything that resembles "I want to have Tim Burton's babies"! At all! They only comment on the movie itself, honest!
The trailer goes something like this:
Tim Burton's Big Fish, directed by Tim Burton, in the magical Tim Burtonish style of Tim Burton, director of other movies such as Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands and Tim Burton's 'who cares it's by Tim Burton it must be good'. Now here's a picture of a fish. TIM BURTON!Returner was a little better, but still a little slow (especially considering it's a sci-fi action movie rather than a heartwarming "look at me I'm a director I am" movie). Its time-travel was both horribly flawed, with more unresolved paradox than you could shake a stick at - a stick that doesn't exist - and horribly predictable, with a twist ending that's 'hinted at' about half way through the movie, where 'hinted at' means 'a huge neon sign burns the exact script of the ending into your retina'. But, you see, the difference is that this is okay, because it's a fluff action movie that's all about the guns, coats and explosions. The time travel plot doesn't really matter. But the alien looks like E.T., which is a bit distracting. [23:54] [15 comments]