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Comments on Friday 21 May 2004:
And now, a review in a rather different vein - a review of a vasectomy. I shall review it in its components.

Making an appointment: I imagine this would be easy if you went to your GP and inquired, but I don't have a GP, and I don't have medicare, so I decided to try to skip direct to the operations room. Adelaide Vasectomy Clinic, despite having animated fading-out sperm on its webpage, offers "a professional service delivered with a human approach" which apparently means "being really shitty and rude on the phone", and they "treat every patient as an individual" which means "when you say okay to it costing about $1000, they'll immediately tell you it actually costs about $1500". Also their idea of making vasectomies available extra quickly is an appointment in a month at the soonest. Vasectomy Service Carlton in Melbourne, on the other hand, has prices on the website, clearly doesn't treat every patient as an individual, makes an appointment in under a week, and has splendid efficient and polite phone service. So despite it being in another state, I chose them, and rate this part of the process 5/10 overall, but once I'd given up on Adelaide Vasectomy Clinic, 9/10.

The operation: The whole thing, from the requisite warnings and signings through the stabbings and up to the departure, took less than half an hour, and hurt only as much as any competent anaesthetic injection does. I thought he was still doing preparatory stuff when he told me he was done and I could get up. Walking around with no feeling in your groin is quite amusing. 10/10.

Two days of swelling and aching: You'd think that two days of pain in the groin would be, well, a pain in the groin. And you'd be right. But having to walk like a crab for a couple of days is moderately entertaining all the same. 4/10.

Oozing some gammy blood during that time: There are no redeeming features of oozing gammy blood while hurting for two days, and people having periods every month have my sympathy. 1/10.

Doing nothing but play computer games for those two days: This doesn't really need comment, does it? Clearly 10/10.

Being brought pie and cake and drinks for those two days: I suppose this isn't really part of the review of the vasectomy, but rather partially a review of Holly, but assuming anyone getting a vasectomy will have someone nice nearby, this should be a part of the process. 10/10.

The cake having "happy sperm-doom day" written on it in little silver balls: Also little pictures of sperm with chocolate chips for their heads and lines of silver balls for their tails, which, unfortunately, didn't wiggle around and fade out, but still, 9/10.

Reduced chances of spawning parasites: Well, this was the whole point, wasn't it? Priceless.

In related information, Australia's medicare gives a rebate for vasectomies, and not for vasectomy-reversals. Hooray! Presumably this isn't really an anti-child policy, which would be nice, but rather an anti-wanker-changing-their-mind policy, which is still good.

Why a vasectomy? Because pills have mood-altering and other physiological effects, and condoms apparently result in an average of one pregnancy every 30 woman-years, as well as being irritatingly intrusive. Also because children are horrible little snot-beasts. [13:41]

Skitz
You know... I envy you. I can't get my tubes tied until I've had 2 kids or am over 25 (I think that's the age anyhow).

And I completely agree with the snot-beasts comment. I've no patience for them....

jeancouteu
I like children......well maybe not the children part. But i like them when they are at the age where they still run into walls ...get back up and run into the same wall.

AttackOfTheSpam
Thank you for not reproducing. Nothing against you or your possible spawn, but for every child, a babysitter needs to be hired. If it weren't for the cash involved, I'd rather flip burgers for pocket money.

As for the running-into-walls, have you ever seen one at the age where they run into each others' heads at high speed? In fact, have you ever seen five at that age? It's quite entertaining.

MorbidCorvid
Ah, but of course how could you forget sliding glass doors? Or, in my cousins case, large windows next to sliding glass doors? Unfortunatley for me, the ones that I babysit do nothing more amusing than occasionally hitting their legs on low tables. And then they cry, and of course their parents have to call during the crying part, and akward excuses result.

On the topic of vasectomy, it took me 'til about the cake component for me to remember what a vasectomy actually is. And then I giggled. I might just get it done for the satisfaction of being able to walk like a crab, and hopefully I'll get a cake. Hoorah for cake!

AttackOfTheSpam
Cake is nothing compared to brownies, especially the lovely squishy almost-cooked ones. Cake gets its butt whomped on by brownies daily.

Also, the dancing of small children is well worth watching. They tend to stamp their feet quickly ŗ la Squanto or similar and chicken-dance with their arms. It sounds strange, but it's oddly hypnotizing.

Of course, sliding glass doors are fun, but screen doors more so. Especially when a child of about two is trying to run out the door, hits the screen, bunches up, is thrown back about two feet, and repeats for about fifteen minutes. That's entertainment.

Nameless
do you have a brother or sister?

Gecko
No, no Spam you haven't seen anything yet. Small children on monkey bars is entertainment. They can't always get to the next one, so they swing back and forth for all eternity.

But what's even better is being a member of a stage crew when small children are around. The last show I worked for involved carrying (running with) a large, heavy, gangplank down the main aisle of the auditorium. Opening night we hit a little old lady in a wheelchair (I swear, she came in late and was sitting where we put the plank during the show. And the lights were out too so we couldn't see her) but then small children sit in the aisle seats... we almost hit several but those damnable parents pulled them out of the way.

jeanceoteu
my favorite thing is not little children it is actually my self. I have the screen doors that have the little lever instead of a handle or button so it seems every time i am really mad at my little brother or sister they decide to run out side to escape the rath of the great and powerful ME. so i run to the door as fast as me possible and completely miss the handle and slam my face into the screen or glass (depending on the weather) then...I cry.

But what i like more than that is when ever i am at my relatives house that has a really big sliding glass door . Every time out of the corner of my eye i see a determined little robin or humming bird run into the glass door but, it is never just one they usually come in three they seem so determined i can almost hear the determining music in the back ground.

KJB
I'm sorry, Spam, but I have to disagree about the almost-cooked brownies thing. There are few things more annoying to me in the world of cookery/eatery than a brownie (or a cookie, for that matter) that is squishy and makes me wonder whether the damn thing is done or not. I want my cookie to be cooked, not raw. If I wanted squishy almost-cooked dough, I'd eat the dough and skip the tedious cooking time.

Outside of that, cookies, brownies, and cake are excellent, as are no stinky kids running around trying to eat them all.

AttackOfTheSpam
Nameless: nope, no siblings, but I babysit for extra money.

Gecko: oh, I'd forgotten that one! The ones I babysit just tend to fall, but every once in a while you'll get a swinger.

Jeanceoteu: a bird thwacked into the window of my church during a sermon once. And I do mean 'thwacked' - it was louder than the priest, which is hard to do.

KJB: sacrilege. Half-cooked whomps cooked any day of the week. But then, I'm a batter-eater, so maybe I'm just wired differently.

Gecko
Spam: The little girl I babysit swings. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Well... the ones who are just learning to walk are funny, because they'll try to walk by themselves, but then they fall. Most of them don't know to put thier hands out first, so they'll fall flat on thier faces.

jeancouteu
church......ewwww

AttackOfTheSpam
Gecko: a girl I babysit named Blythe always falls backwards on her butt, looks surprised for a moment, and makes a disgusted noise. That's all she does. It's rather boring. Adam, however, is more interesting; he's learning to walk by leaning his head against the wall and shuffling along sideways like a crab. Everytime he tries to lean back he falls backwards, usually onto someone else, and they squeak a lot before repeating the entire procedure.

Gecko
Spam: I babysat on Monday evening with a friend. The most interesting thing that happened was that the kids (there were a lot of 'em) were playing hide and seek in the dark and one hid in a cabinet. And then proceeded to get stuck. *banging on cabinet* "You didn't find me! Oh.. Genny, I can't get out!!" Hahahhah!

AttackOfTheSpam
DAMN! Your evilness rivals my own! I shall have to scheme harder...

Gecko
Muahahahahh! It's not that I' m more evil, it's just that I'm older (probably) and therefore have had more time to scheme.

Kanada Ten
More and more it seems that the people who should *not* have children are having more.

And then the people who have the ability to raise objective minded children, the people who have the intelligence to not be brainwashed by patriotism and religion, the people who can look at the world and see a better future, and the people who could have created *people* capable of working to a better world are not having any children.

Are kids Ungrateful Snot Machine Poop Monsters? Of course, but each one will grow into a person, a person who *will* affect the future. And more and more we donít have the kids to counters the creations of stupidity and, dare I say it, evil.

The environment molds children, and nothing makes more of that world than the parents. No Raven, I am not going to congratulate you on this successful endeavor. You would make a great dad, even if you canít admit it. But, whatever, weíll both be dead before it matters, right?

RavenBlack
Oh, I admit I would make a great dad. I'd just also hate it and resent it for the first ten years or so. I'm very much in favour of the "I'll be dead before it matters" argument. And if not dead, maybe we'll be able to go to the moon or something.

MorbidCorvid
Alas, the day has come when the only motivation for parenthood is dying 'before it matters' or going to the moon... I think the latter would be much more fun. At least on the moon you would be able to have children fights.

JJ
you forgot to mention the creepy/weird look that the surgeon (I assume) gives on the Adelaide Clinic web site. And why do they recommend that you get a second opinion? Are they that unsure of themselves?
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