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Thursday 27 February 2014
Mostly to remind me so I can search for it later when I forget, but others might be interested too - when Chrome won't let you access a site because its SSL certificate has expired, you can type "proceed" (not into any box, just put the keyboard focus on the "blocked" page) and it will let you bypass that security precaution. [19:30] [0 comments]


Tuesday 18 February 2014
Yesterday a kid came to our door "not selling magazine subscriptions or anything, just a few minutes of your time", so I gave him a few minutes during which he told his sob story (he's a foster kid, the government is paying his way through college and all his necessities, but if he earns any money during that time the government takes it), leading into, basically, he's selling newspaper subscriptions. As soon as I spotted that's where it was going, I interrupted and said I don't want to waste any of his time, and I can tell at this point I'm not going to be interested in what you're offering. And then he was a douche about it, which frustrates me because if I'd just been mean in the first place, said "not interested" and shut the door in his face, I'm sure he wouldn't have had any mean-spiritedness towards me at all. So I get thought ill of for being nicer than average, because I was willing to help out if he was doing a survey or something similarly harmless like he told me at the start.

But that's not really what aggravates me. What really aggravates me is that the kid is being exploited by some shitty company almost certainly lying to him about how they're going to do something for him if he sells their impossible to sell garbage. Which almost certainly amounts to, given how hard it will be to sell newspaper subscriptions, he's being paid way less than minimum wage, which in any context other than horrible high-pressure sales and lying that nobody wants, is illegal. Why the hell isn't this crap illegal? I don't have much ill-will towards the kid (the being a douche about it is annoying, but I'm sure he's had a horrible frustrating day trying to earn an imaginary buck so I'll cut him some slack), but I would absolutely vote for painful deaths for anyone pushing that bullshit onto kids. Whether his sob story is true or just part of the high pressure sales tactics he's been trained in (and I suspect the latter because he was clearly reciting a rehearsed script), either way it's utterly reprehensible. [06:40] [1 comment]


Saturday 4 January 2014
I've just learned a valuable lesson about running a business; always be two businesses. Then when people phone to try to sort something out because you've screwed them, put them on hold for two hours with intolerable music and then say "oh we can't help you with that, you need (other business that is really the same business), here's their number." Do that with both numbers, and you never even have to actually provide a service at all! For example, be KLM partnered with Delta, or be Delta and deal with bookings done through Expedia, or a be a hotel and deal with bookings done through hotels.com, or even make Walmart and walmart.com have separate phone numbers and blame each other - it's so easy to be incredibly unhelpful!

Make sure to have both customer service and your labyrinthine phone menus (which must never make any difference to who you end up speaking to nor provide them with any information you made the customer enter - the customer service staff must make this clear by asking for all the information again) repeatedly suggest that the customer try to resolve their problem at the website, and when the customer has escaped from the phone menu maze you should also interrupt the hold music every 30 seconds to loudly suggest that the customer should use the website to resolve their problem. For bonus points use a variety of different recorded voices so that the customer can't be sure that someone hasn't picked up this time without devoting all their attention to your timesink - if they can just read a book how are they going to be persuaded not to try again? Do not use a recorded voice to suggest how long it will be before someone will answer - mystery is even more frustrating than lies.

Similarly, if a customer tries to use the website it should suggest that they phone, but not give a phone number unless they first navigate a byzantine 'FAQ' of questions nobody would ever ask, confirming repeatedly that the suggested answers are unhelpful. The phone number at the end should be incorrect. If a customer tries to write a complaint or ask a question with a web form, the site should respond with a vague "failed to send message" error, or, even better, a blank screen so the user doesn't even know that the message won't be delivered. Alternatively, declare that the message has been delivered and will be responded to "shortly". Do not give an approximate time as that will encourage people to try again after that time, and do not actually deliver any message.

Your website should, of course, work just fine up until the point at which you've taken money. The customer should feel secure in making a transaction until it's too late, only then do you refuse to give them a refund because "oh someone else is in charge of that, here's their number." [09:40] [0 comments]