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Comments on Wednesday 10 December 2003:
How To Cook Raven-fried Rice

Ingredients:
Some rice. However much you intend to eat, or how much will fit in the pans available, whichever is less.
An onion. Always one onion.
Some oil. The edible sort. No particular amount, just have a bottle of it to hand and you'll be fine. And I don't really care which sort of oil it is, either. Olive, sunflower, generic vegetable, it won't make any difference because the oil's taste will be obscured by the more aggressive flavours you should be adding.
A heaped teaspoon of smooshed garlic, or about six cloves of garlic that have been hit with something so as to have cast off their cloven form. Or don't bother. This doesn't actually seem to make a lot of difference to the end result.
A Whole Bunch Of Spices which you should find in a drawer near the sink, ideally in separate containers rather than just poured in there.
Some nice hot sauce and maybe some lemon juice. And some soy sauce. But none of those if you don't have them. Put some other things from your fridge in there instead of these.
Optional: some sort of lumps of fake meat stuff from a tin, with an ambiguous and unnerving name such as "Tender Pieces", or if you prefer, substitute some meat-substitute-substitute such as steak or mince.
Boil the rice in about twice as much water as it takes to cover it, with a pinch of salt taken from your spice-pile, and a drop of oil, which seems to reduce the stick-to-the-pan effect.

While that's happening, cut up the onion into pieces as small as you can be bothered, and smoosh the garlic if it's garlic that requires manual smooshing rather than the more convenient jar-based pre-smooshed garlic.

Once the rice is done (the water will be up to about a third the depth of the rice at that point), take it off the heat and put a shallow-frying amount of oil in a wok or big frying pan that can function much like a wok, in its place. Set the onion frying, and, if you elected to go with some sort of meat-esque lumps, add them too. Stir it around a bit.

When that's fried for a while (about the amount of time it takes for the rice to absorb the rest of the water it's in), tip the rice in as well, and stir it all together. Now dig through your spice drawer, and add all of the spices except bad ones to the rice, in sensible quantities. For example, with our spice-drawer as it is, I go with enough turmeric to make the rice nicely yellow, half that much coriander and paprika, half that much garam masala and salt, and half that much ginger and maybe mustard. Also add the glob of garlic, and the various sauces if any. Stir it all together again.

Taste it. If it's dry-spicy, add lemon juice. If it's dry-bland, add soy-sauce. If it's just a bit bland, add salt. If it's quite a lot bland, add all the spices again. If it's too spicy, add lemon juice.

Fry it until the rice at the bottom becomes crispy. Stir it around. Fry it until the new rice at the bottom becomes crispy. Stir it around again.

Turn off the oven, and put it in a bowl. You're done. Enjoy it. Now, if you don't enjoy it, that means you haven't followed the recipe which included the instruction that you should enjoy it, so it's your own fault, not mine or the recipe's. [13:01]

RavenBlack
(minor error in original posting corrected)

AttackOfTheSpam
You know, it really sucks that I hate onions with the fire of a thousand suns. Otherwise, this sounds pretty good.

Nightshade
Having tried your recipe for lunch, I would have to conceed that it is quite tasty. Of course, I was careful to follow the direction about "enjoying it". Otherwise who knows what my opinion would have been (grin).
And if you care, the result of my culinary experimentation can be seen at:
http://www.shades-of-night.com/weblog/

RavenBlack
Warning: picture there shows underfried rice, and also omits the secret part of the recipe "suddenly realise that you forgot the peas because it looks all very yellow, add them in, and end up frying it a bit longer because the peas need time to defrost". Also optional red peppers on the same basis.

Aaron
funy as fuck....if i had that shit i would try it....but i dont...so ill just eat a egg or two...dinky do?
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