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Comments on Thursday 3 June 2004:
Last week my heathen-ness was ruined. I almost went a full year in Australia without seeing a single kangaroo or koala, or, indeed, a marsupial of any sort. But then one of those terrible people who are interested in seeing the sights came to visit and I was dragged out on the rounds. "This is a tree, this is a building, this is an animal, can we go home now?" I said, but she wasn't satisfied.

Thus a trip to Cleland Wildlife Park ensued, and I was forcibly introduced to kangaroos, koalas, wallabies, tasmanian devils, dingos, sleeping wombats, and tawny frogmouths.

The best animal in the world is the tawny frogmouth. You might think it's sloths, and yes, they are lazy and have three toes, but the tawny frogmouths didn't move an inch the entire time we were in the park, and they also glared, resembled a statue (between two of them), and were extremely extremely fluffy. Can a sloth do that? No. Not unless you paint quick-drying cement around two sloths and then throw grey hair at them quickly before it dries. And that'd be pretty quick throwing, because it was quick-drying cement.

The most unfeasibly cute animal in the world is small kangaroos. Their faces are just as cute as any animal you expect to be cute, but kangaroos have the advantage over anything, even meercats, of naturally being in a cute begging pose whenever they're not walking. If they're sitting up, they're begging. If they're lying down, they're obviously very comfortable and would you please bring them a drink and some food so they don't have to get up? Get me one, while you're at it.

Wombats are bigger and fatter than you think. No, fatter. Fatter than that. There you go, close enough.

Tasmanian devils don't spin around and go 'grargh-bligger-blorch' at all, Warner Brothers have been lying to you all this time. They do, however, look a lot like vampire potatoes.

Wallabies are like small kangaroos, except inexplicably not cute at all.

Koalas do nothing but stink and look sinister. I think sometimes they dress up as people and carry other koalas around so as to seem like they're nice and friendly, but they're not.

Dingos look like really boring dogs. Really boring dogs more innocent and harmless than any dog you've ever seen. And they don't make any sound at all. And then they rip your throat out and wee in the hole and laugh like hyenas.

Now you don't have to come to Australia. You'll only be disappointed, because my descriptions are better than the real animals. And nobody wears those cork hats, not even people whose first name is Crocodile. And you won't fit in a kangaroo pouch. [21:19]

MorbidCorvid
Some of the most random, pointless posts done by Raven on this page have gotten countless replies... And yet the one featuring Australia is basically ignored by all.

Baby kangaroos are amazing. I think for a bit of an experiment Bush should be sent to Australia and kept in a petting zoo. I'm pretty sure we could keep him there for ever without him ever starting a war against Australia. They (The kangaroos. Not Bush or Australians) remind me almost of kittens, but there hair is more like a deers. I sat for about half an hour with one without even thinking of anything else.

And then a wallabie came along. Very much like the kangaroo, but hit with an ugly stick. A very subtle ugly stick. I also got chased by a three-legged dingo. That was fun.

But, alas, Australia is basically unknown to the rest of America. A nuclear bomb could be set off in the middle of it and no one would notice.

Nameless
Thats cause 85 to 90 per cent of the people live on the coast. On morbid's nuclear bomb comment and someone would notice we've seismo-graphs set up just to detect nuclear bombs in out of the way places. Still most people in the US probably wouldn't read the news that a nuclear bomb had gone off in the middle of new south wales or whatever provence you picked.

AttackOfTheSpam
One wonders why the wallabies, which are like small kangaroos, aren't cute. Maybe they're like that estranged aunt in the kangaroo family that just "isn't spoken of." That would explain some of the estranged aunts in my family, anyway.

MorbidCorvid
Actually, a nuclear bomb did go off in the Great Victoria Desert. Or, if not that, then a really huge earthquake. Aum Shinrikyo, this terrorist group from Japan, had bought a portion of Australia and had set off a nuke in it, probably in preperation for bombing Tokyo. Seismographs reported that the shock was equivalent to a large meteorite strike. The New York Times news did a report on it in 1997, but that was it. Basically no investigations have been put into it. No one really cared.

Surprisingly, all this came from a travel book I got on Australia before I traveled there. 'In a Sunburned Country' by Bill Bryson. Go buy it. Now!

AttackOfTheSpam
There was a nuclear bomb set off? Cool! Maybe that's why those crazy people in Outback Steakhouse commercials are always so happy - they know they're going to die of leukemia so they're partyin' it up while they can!

MorbidCorvid
It also mentions in the book that one of the Prime Ministers of Australia went for a swim oneday and just disappeared. Now, imagine that happening to Bush and how over-publicised it would be. Ever heard of the one in Australia?

AttackOfTheSpam- Must be it. Those probably aren't actors in those commercials, they just let all the people that have radiation... ness out into the world and taped them partying.

The Dritex
You have to like Koalas if for nothing else but the fact that they are so sinister looking. Aren't those the best types of anumals anyways, the sinster ones?

AttackOfTheSpam
They're like the bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail... cute in theory, but in the end, more lethal than you can imagine.

I bet koalas go on killer rampages at night, all the while giggling like Care Bears. Maybe that's where Australia's Prime Ministers went.

MorbidCorvid
I had a nightmare about a killer koala...
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